loving me for me.

come september it will be three years i've been with mike. wow. you can say that again. wow. it's a big mark to hit. and i knew i'd be grateful for the growth over the year that mike's been gone serving this country of ours, but who could forsee what has happened? who could see this coming? i never knew i had it in me. and i have nothing but praise for the lord who has perfect timing, who i solely depend upon with all my needs, who time and time again, comes through. who gives me every single thing that i need, never too much, just perfect. He knows my in's and out's, he knows my strengths and weaknesses, and doesn't let me fall - i trust Him with my everything.

i haven't been on here since my last post, and honestly, i'm a little shocked there was such little response. but at the same time, i see how much xanga is forgotten, a lost past of therapy and community outlet that has aged due to the rivalry of myspace and facebook. oh well. it never was about the responses anyways. it was always about keeping a record of where im at. what i've learned over the years. that's why i keep coming back. it's never changed for me.

since my last post, i can't tell you how much i've grown. how much i see myself changed. my grandpa has passed, my grandma is coping, i'm aging (by aging, i mean i have a birthday coming up and am no longer going to be a "baby" of 21), living life for me and me alone right now, and dealing with the lack of presence of a boyfriend i can't wait to come home. patience with mom is somewhat growing; living in the same household again has been a constant rollercoaster, bringing laughter and tears, and bringing me closer to God, making me call on him a lot more... impatience with mike's homecoming is never easy. just thinking of the fourth of july starts tears to form, and let alone the thought of what i like to refer to as the best day of my life, because how many people wait a year to see their loved ones return home from war? and those who don't understand, they wonder how it beats your wedding day... little do they know. and those who do, there are no words between you, just a look that goes well beyond any words said. i can't explain it but i saw that look today.

with all of the change (moving back home, finding a new job, summer without mike) it causes me to take a break from all the commotion and chaos and just reflect on what's been going on. how i am surviving all of this, is surely nothing but the Lord. i can't go into detail on here, but it's just good to see how prayers are being answered. how brokenness turns into strength and how loss brings us together. i'm surprised at how much joy is in my life- how much i am moving forward, learning languages, trying new things, reviving old habits that i've missed doing (taking baths--one of my favorite pasttimes) learning to use the void of mike to my advantage, and balancing the hurt of missing him with the joy of the present time and taking full advantage of it while i got it.

idk it's just good to see how God's been moving in my life. i guess that's all i gotta say about that.

head barely held above the surface

what to say-- that this is one of the hardest things i've ever had to endure- this is a period of wandering in the wilderness- but the only comfort comes from Him who is always with me. He is everything i need to survive all of this tradegy. <3

Prayer is a constant. The past two weeks have been a constant time of prayer- there's so much to pray for right now!

Prayer Requests:

*Courtney - 18 years old, survived Cancer once, has abdominal cancer for the second time now and getting surgery on Thurs

*My grandpa's heart is giving way- He collapsed a few days ago in a grocery store and has been hospitalized ever since. Doctors want to give him a pacemaker but we don't want him to.

*My grandma is going into surgery on Wednesday for her heart- this is the second surgery and because of all of the stress with my grandpa the shunts in her heart from the first surgery have moved.

*Two Marines from Mike's company died last Monday due to an IED (roadbomb) One survived and is in recovery.

*My sister's best friend is going through the difficulty of losing a best friend, just days after the death of her newborn.

How am i surviving? Even I don't know the answer to that question. God only knows how I am surviving all of this. All I know is that thinking about this things, focusing on them, would drive any sane person mad. I give all the Glory to God that I am able to focus on school during this stressful time, and have a sense of security and wellbeing. I feel revived somehow someway and it's an answer to prayer. So thankful even though all of this stuff is happening. I will be in constant prayer- and I'm thinking about fasting the day today. I wanna rise to the challenge that I never saw possible for myself. :)

"I hung the stars and

I hold your heart so

don't ever be afraid--

Yes, I know when you breathe

and I feel when you need

I won't let you sink

No, I forgive you"

Currently Listening candycoatedwaterdrops By Plumb Phobic see related

excerpts from a book never written

"And six months from now, She'll look back in wonder and awe, of how she made it, how she ever did it, and she'll know; it was because of You. you. and friends like you."

"Who would understand? Life falls apart. Lives fall apart. The hope of restoration of her soul was dissipating and she accepted nothing less than what could not be. To choose the unsubstantial, would be to choose deprivation."

"Hope came on tuesdays. Sometimes it came on a saturday. And once, it came on a monday. But whenever it came, she would circle it with a layer of doubt in disbelief of its miracles. She would gently tug at the string of inconsistency, and its flow would consume her. She held so tightly to the string, that she felt disabled by its power."

"She woke up from the nightmare that quickly became reality. In terror she found that the walls had been rebuilt and that the facade of life itself had become again. She was flooded with the artificial feelings, distant smiles, and the backwards rules of engagement that society holds so dearly. And as she came to, her skin began to shriek, her head began to feel as though it was claustrophobic, and her heart would ignore all the signs of what was to come."

"The relationship between what she longed to talk about, and what she would never open her mouth to talk about was one in the same; it terms of mathematical equations, causally relational, and nonetheless dismal at that."

Currently Listening Continuum By John Mayer see related

a little love lesson...

wow. haven't written in here in a long time. again i wish i took the time to write in here more often.

life is.... tough. seems i'm always writing that in here. i've been looking back on previous posts and just seems to be what i do when it gets like this.

The boyfriend left for Iraq last night. I talked to him for a few hours while he was on the bus, then for a little bit at the airport, then again this morning he woke me up, and now i wait til the next time i'll talk to him.

But I'm learning a lot- and as hard as this is, I'm grateful for it. It's making our relationship sooo much stronger, it's making me more independent which is what I want, more dependent on God, reading the Bible again, being with friends, focusing on school without distractions (which by the way, I made the Deans List for last semester for my first time!)

And as hard as this is, and trust me, it's hard-- probably the hardest thing I've done-- God just continues to provide for me. I am so blessed by my friendships and my family who are just the best supporters a girl could ever ask for.

One of my best friends calls me up tonight, with her troubles, and tells me how much she wants my life- how she doesn't understand how she got to be where she is and ultimately doesn't wanna own up to her mistakes and take responsibility for her actions. This post is the response: I'm severly grateful for what I have. But it came with many prices. I've had hard times, but I've learned from my mistakes.
If there's anything I've learned over the numerous "life-crises" i've had, it's this:

(a) the truth will set you free.

(b) make time for the things that are important to you; if you're wondering how you got in a "bad predicament" look at where and how you spend your time. this is a reflection of your true self. who you are is how you spend your time.

(c) if you don't like something, change it.  "Be the change you wish to see in the world" or "Be the change that you wish to see in yourself" which leads up to my next one...

(d) You can't love someone else without loving yourself first. My pastor once told us that for a relationship to grow, 100% of it needs to be "other-directed". Only looking to fill the needs of the other.

(e) A relationship should never equal to your happiness, but only add to it.

(f) No one is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

(g) Be aware of yourself and others- Stick up for what you believe in!

(h) Never take the easy way out-- the true way will always be the hard way. Why? Because if it's worth it, it's not going to be easy. That's just how it is. Nothing worth it is ever easy. Nothing is ever easy if it's worth it.

and lastly...

(i) Love, that is, true love, is always worth fighting for.

<3 fighter_4_love

in the refining processs...

i'm reading this book and it's probably one of the most useful books i've ever (yes, ever) read. about a woman journalist and her journey towards and through alcoholism. some excerpts:

"A love story: Yes, this is a love story.

It's about passion, sensual pleasure, deep pulls, lust, fears, yearning hungers. It's about needs so strong they're crippling. It's about saying good-bye to something you can't fathom living without.

I loved the way drink made me feel, and I loved its special power of deflection, it's ability to shift my focus away from my own awareness of self and onto something else, something less painful than my own feelings. I love the sounds of drink: the slide of a cork as it eased out of a wine bottle, the distinct glug-glug of booze pouring into a glass, the clatter of ice cubes in a tumbler. I loved the rituals, the camaraderie of drinking with others, the warming, melting feelings of ease and courage it gave me.

When you love somebody, or something, it's amazing how willing you are to overlook the flaws...I started to notice that tiny blood vessels had burst all along my nose and cheeks. I started to dry-heave in the mornings, driving to my work in my car. A tremor in my hands developed then grew worse, the persisted for long periods, all day sometimes. "

"Enough? That's a foreign word to an alcoholic, absolutely unknown. There is never enough, no such thing. You're always after that insurance, always mindgful of it, always so relieved to drink that first drink and feel the warming buzz in the back of your head, always so intent on maintaining the feeling, reinforcing the buzz, adding to it, not losing it. "

"Alcohol offers protection from all that, protection from the pain of self-discovery, a wonderful, cocooning protection that's enormously insidious because it's utterly false but feels so real, so real and necessary.

And then, tragically, the protection stops working. The mathematics of transformation change. This is inevitable. You drink long and hard enough and your life gets messy. Yours relationships( with nondrinkers, with yourself) becomes strained. Your work suffers. You run into financial trouble, or legal trouble, or trouble with the police. Rack up enough pain and the old math-- Discomfort + Drink = No Discomfort-- ceases to suffice; feeling "comfortable" isn't good enough anymore. You're after something deeper than a respite from shyness, or a break from private fears and anger. So after a while you alter the equation, make it stronger and more complete. Pain + Drink = Self-Obliteration."

Currently Reading Drinking: A Love Story By Caroline Knapp see related